Written by Bradley Knight
MA Clinical Psychology and Community Counselling (Stell.)
Often people ‘regulate’ their feelings by pushing it away or running from it, only to have that unpleasant feeling (sadness, anger, hurt) follow them and overwhelm them at the worst of times. A wise person once said, ‘Feelings just want to be felt…then they leave”. So how do YOU do feelings? Do you avoid them? Shut them out? Fight them off? How about trying it differently from now on? Interested? Then keep on reading.
A couple of things before we get going; feelings are neither good nor bad. Depending on how you respond to them or interpret them, they may be experienced as negative or positive, but in essence, there is no such thing as a good feeling or bad feeling. They’re just feelings. And they are transient. They are visitors. They are messengers, motivating you to action.
With that in mind, the first thing you want to do is identify the feeling you are sitting with. For the purpose of this exercise, we will focus on the ‘not-so-nice’ feelings. What feeling is visiting you? Is it frustration? Annoyance? Disappointment? Fear? Sadness? Very often, the feeling on the surface is like the tip of an iceberg, meaning that there are more feelings underlying the ‘visible’ feeling. We can have feelings about feelings; e.g. feeling angry about being sad. The most important task here is to identify and describe what you are feeling in this moment.
Once you have identified the feeling, the next step is to acknowledge the feeling. Don’t get entangled with it. Don’t fight it off or run from it. Just notice it and recognize its presence. Allow yourself to be conscious of the feeling that is visiting and rather than say “I am sad”, try something like “I’m noticing that I’m having a feeling of sadness” – that puts some healthy distance between you and the unpleasant feeling, rather than identifying yourself with it. In other words, learn to become a detached observer of your own feeling state. Don’t judge it. Just notice it without engaging it, in the same way you would notice a fellow passenger on a bus or someone in the que in front of you.
Next, you want to validate the presence of that feeling. In other words, you accept that the feeling is there for a valid reason. Even when you can’t identify what triggered the feeling, validating your own emotional state is a powerful step. You are telling yourself that you are feeling this way for good reason – you are not being ‘silly’ or ‘weak’. Very often this practice of just being able to acknowledge and validate your own emotional state results in the intensity of the feeling subsiding.
But what if it doesn’t subside? Then the next step is to self-soothe until it does. Find a soothing activity that is associated with each of your five senses. What would soothe you by just looking at it? A picture of a love one? What is it about smell that is soothing for you? Touch? Taste? Hearing your favourite song? I’ve got news for you; your brain has been hard-wired to self-soothe ever since you were a baby. When you cried, your emotional state was (hopefully regularly) acknowledged (caregiver responds to the cries for attention); then validated (caregiver thinks to themselves ‘there’s must be good reason why baby is crying’ – hungry? unwell? needs a nappy change) and then if necessary soothed you through your five senses – you seeing your caregiver, smelling their scent, tasting the milk, hearing their voice, feeling their embrace. Do you see how you were hard-wired for soothing using your senses? Now that you are older, the good news is you can learn to self-soothe using your five senses when the intensity of the emotion remains high – even if you didn’t have ideal experiences with your caregiver.
Well-meaning people may tell you to just ‘snap out of it’, but we all know that it doesn’t work that way in reality. You cannot ‘snap out’ of feelings, just like you cannot ‘snap out’ of a cold or flu. It requires learning to acknowledge and self-validate your own emotional states and if necessary, self soothe using your five senses as a way to help you tolerate the distress until it passes. Ultimately the goal is Emotion Regulation –where you manage your feeling states in a way that keeps you in control. For more help with this process and learning more about Mindfulness, Emotion Regulation and Distress Tolerance Techniques, feel free to make an appointment at Student Counselling.